Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Once Upon a Bra - A True Story

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Ashley.

She had red hair and freckles.

When Ashley was in elementary school, she grew boobies before all of her friends.  As Ashley was a tomboy, complete with chili bowl haircut,  and a softball player (pitcher), she did not feel the need to greet her new friends with the welcome wagon.

Instead, she covered them up with sweatshirts.

In 90 degree weather, at softball games, and at the pool, Ashley wore sweatshirts exclusively for two years.  The purpose of the sweatshirts was threefold: 1) to get out of wearing a bra; 2) to hide the boobies, and 3) to get out of wearing a bra.

Ashley's mom begged her to wear a bra, and eventually got her to wear one when she went to 6th grade, but Ashley took them off and hid them under her bed as soon as she got home from school.  Bras were closely related to boogie men and monsters, and all things evil and scary belonged with the dust bunnies.

Soon Ashley's boobies grew so much that she had to wear a bra like, all the time.  Ashley did so, but only sports bras because they helped decrease the bounciness of her enemies.  That continued for a few years until Ashley discovered Vicki's, like every other 9th grade girl.  Ashley + Pretty bras with underwire + $35 price tag = BF4E&E.

Ashley's boobies eventually grew to DDs at Vicki's, and everyone still got along great.

Ashley got pregnant.  Ashley gained an amount of weight that can be most accurately described as a "shit ton."  She had the baby.  She started breastfeeding.  Her boobies went back down to their normal size, but in an effort to take better care of "Chocolate Milk" and "Whole Milk," she got measured for an accurate bra size.


32E?  Where does Ashley buy those bras? She has to order them.  Oh, and they cost eleventy billion dollars (Or $69) each.

Until one day, Ashley died and went to a store that must resemble smocked clothing and maternity clothes heaven, and she stumbled upon some Bravado nursing bras, 50% off.

32E.  For $19.

The thought crossed Ashley's mind that she really might have died because she truly was in well-fitting, OMGTheyHaveMYSize, bra heaven.

The end.

PS Ashley didn't die.  Her son peed on her later that evening while she was wearing the new bra.  Babies don't pee on their mommies in heaven.


  1. LOL you are such a funny writer! GIRL i have the exact problem, my girls are too big for a no-underwire bra( 36 E). I actually used to work at Vicky's a few years back and enjoyed fitting into their bras... womp womp, a whole new ball field now! Glad you found a great nursing bra! woohoo!

  2. Thank you. :)

    Me too! I don't necessarily love the way my boobs look in it, but it is quite comfortable. I've been wearing underwire bras when I'm out and about and just pulling them down when I need to nurse. No clogged ducts yet, but I'm sure if I keep it up, they'll come.